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March 9, 2011 / thomcaraway

Epistle to the Curlinthians, part the first

by Lauren Rush

Peace be with you, my brothers and sisters of the Ringlet.  Whenever I think of you, I am filled with joy and thanksgiving, for you have been enriched beyond all others.  I wish to pass on my wisdom to you, that you may learn from my trials and not be shaken by the temptations of our oppressors.

I wish to warn you against the Outsider, against those with hair that does not bend.  At any given moment the sight of your head may fill them with jealousy, and because of this they cannot be trusted.  There are also those who are called ‘The Wavy.’  Not only do they believe that they understand our trials, but they will do whatever they can to convince you of this same lie.  Beware their deceit.   However, you must also understand that not all Outsiders are aware of their condition.  There is no need to enlighten them.  There is a straight path before them from which they cannot waver.

Many Outsiders, even strangers, will be unable to control themselves when they catch sight of you.  They will reach out and stroke you without warning.  Do whatever you can to avoid these encounters.

At this point, friends, you may be wondering how I know all of this about the Outsider.  I must confess to you that there was a time when I was once just like them, having hair that descended without undulation.  Thanks be to the Great Shining Ringlet, whose image we bear; for I was looked upon with favor in my fourteenth year, and a great bounty was bestowed upon my head.  But this I tell you with a heavy heart, my brothers and sisters, for at the time, my Outsider soul did not accept this treasure, and I committed the greatest of all sins against the Ringlet.  I acquired a hair-straightening device and every day, would suppress the mark of the Ringlet’s gift.  I wish now to ask the Great Shining Ringlet’s forgiveness in the presence of my brothers and sisters.

I hope that you have not lost trust in me because of this testimony, for I have wisdom that you must know.

4 Comments

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  1. Karan / Mar 9 2011 4:15 pm

    So Funny Lauren! I can’t wait to show Aviel. I alas am an Outsider but she is most certainly a sister in the Ringlet.

  2. Denise Frame Harlan / Mar 9 2011 5:55 pm

    Just two words: Thou Knowest. Truly.

  3. Angela / Mar 10 2011 3:03 pm

    Oh my gosh Lauren, this is epic! And so true.

  4. Jacquelyn Wheeler / Apr 27 2011 5:18 pm

    I am very grateful for straight hair that is 3″ in length (basically hair-care is a complete non-issue for me), but I am very impressed at how carefully you have replicated the biblical structure and language. “The Wavy” and “frizz and destroy” are particularly funny puns for me.

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