Epistle to the Curlinthians, part the second

by Lauren Rush

There is much confusion amongst my brothers and sisters as to the cleansing of the Ringlet.  Since I cannot repeat it in any future correspondence (every repetition increases the likelihood that it may fall into the ever-waiting hands of the Outsiders), it is of the utmost importance that you listen to what I must tell you.  Understand; many of you have been lied to by the Outsiders and have been told not only that it is safe for all heads to be washed each day, it is also preferable.  But do not be deceived, brothers and sisters, for verily I say unto thee, that shampoo shall touch your head no earlier than the twenty-third day of the month (but here I must warn you my friends, for easily you may fall into temptation and desire to display your strength and loyalty, your longsuffering and stoutness of heart, and you will aspire to be unwashed longest of all your brothers and sisters.  But I warn you (as one who has fallen into the spiral of these prideful temptations), do not go beyond the third month, as I once did; for you will alienate even your own brothers and sisters), even when the day of cleansing has arrived, always be cautious of the size of your dollop, and if possible, apply it to only one part of your scalp at a single time, for those spirits that wish to frizz and destroy will enter in whenever the Spirit of the Natural Oil is dispelled from your head.

Now that you understand washing, it is my desire to tell you the ways of Conditioning.  Those of you who are able and willing to make a greater sacrifice and purchase more expensive Conditioner, I admire you.  However it is my experience that these more expensive products are for the deluded Outsider, who believe that every day is the day of washing.  If they are already in your possession, it is wisest to use them only immediately after you wash your hair, in order to protect against the spirits that wish to frizz and destroy, until the Spirit of the Natural Oil manifests itself.  For this presence is the greatest gift we can receive.  You will know the Spirit is upon you when you experience definition, unity and shine.  The shape of your ringlets will be stronger and more resilient, and the spirits that seek to frizz and destroy will not be able to enter in, and they will leave you, in fear.

Always pre-rinse with hot water, in order to distribute the Spirit of the Natural Oil away from your scalp.  But when it comes time to rinse out the Conditioner from your scalp, you must rinse with cold water, when possible.  Why this is beneficial, none of us know.  It is a deep mystery.  Also, if it does not trouble your back too greatly, it is best to rinse your hair upside-down (in order to maintain the blessed volume.)  It is also important to not completely rinse out the Conditioner, for then the spirits that wish to frizz and destroy will enter in.  But do not leave too much in, for then you are at risk of committing a great sin against the Ringlet – one that ravaged our brothers and sisters in the decade of the 1980’s, and also in middle school – that of allowing your hair to become triangular in shape.

There is one more thing you need to know about the showering process.  You must never shower at night; this is a luxury only to be enjoyed by Outsiders.  For if you enter into sleep before all moisture has departed from your head, you will suffer the humiliation of the two-dimensional ringlet.  This is very dangerous, as your hair may have the appearance of an Outsider’s from certain angles.  You will also lose all control over the shape in which your hair will manifest itself upon your waking.  Most likely it will form a single column on the top of your head.

While we are discussing sleeping procedures, I have further instructions for you.  If you wish to preserve the hair arrangement you have created that day, you absolutely cannot sleep on your side, for this destroys desired symmetry.  However, you also must try to avoid sleeping on your back, for this may do damage that will be unknown to you in the morning.  If at all possible, try to avoid touching your head to the pillow in any way.  If you cannot do this (there are very few who can), sleep directly on your face.

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