by Lauren Rush
But now I must return to the proper showering procedures. Upon exiting said edifice, you must perform the act of towel drying. If you attempt to blow-dry, you will open yourself up to the spirits that wish to frizz and destroy, and not even the Spirit of the Natural Oil will be able to offer you salvation. It is important that you do not leave your hair within the towel for too long, for then you run the risk of allowing the towel to leave too lasting an impression upon your locks.
Before too much moisture is allowed to depart from your head, it is important to arrange it as you wish, for once it is dry it is beyond anyone’s control. First you must part your hair, preferably to the side. Also you must never part your hair in a straight line, for this is a symbol of the Outsider. Always remember, however you choose to arrange your hair, you must make it look like it happened more or less on accident. You must never allow the Outsiders to gain insight into the rituals of the Ringlet. This is also why you must never part your hair in a straight line, for this shatters the illusion of effortlessness we labor to create.
Once the curls have been arranged as you wish, never leave them unsupervised for too long.
There are many moisturizers and serums available to us. Use them if you must, but with the knowledge that everything you put into your hair may cause it to become triangular or overly-greasy. Work towards greater mastery of your curls, and learn to rely only on our greatest allies, Conditioner and the Spirit of the Natural Oil. For it is Conditioner that the Great Shining Ringlet sent down to us in physical form, to save us from our inadequacies and forgive us our washing, and it is the Spirit of the Natural Oil that is our constant companion and guide. All praise be to the Ringlet, the Conditioner and the Natural Oil.
Do not be tempted by the decorations of the Outsiders. They wear many delicate pins and other adornments on their head and in their ears that you may wish to possess. If you choose to adorn yourself in this way, go forth with the knowledge that you will probably never be able to remove any of these decorations.
Do not possess brushes or combs of any kind.
Understand the danger of hats.
Most importantly, my beloved brothers and sisters, never reveal these trials and complicated regimens. When an Outsider compliments the image of the Great Shining Ringlet (and they will, my friends), tell them it’s nothing. Say that it practically takes care of itself.
3 Responses
Delightful piece. Am glad to see the mock heroic is back and did not die with Alexander Pope!
The picture of the hair just made it. Totally.
Strangely compelling entries, though I am not of the Curlinthians–hubristic, Nazaritian, suggestively allegorical. I tell myself it is just about hair, but why does it give such pleasure?